Different minds, same season

How cognitive differences shape family dynamics, communication, and connection

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There’s a lot of talk about rest, connection, and tradition at this time of year – but not everyone experiences the holidays the same way. Even if we value the same things, the mental paths we take to feel at ease in this season can be radically different.

Some of us need more information before we can commit to a plan, while others need a sense of meaning to feel compelled to stay. Certain thinkers relax when there’s structure and clearly defined roles; others need the freedom to improvise and follow the energy. For some, getting the logistics right is essential; for others, what matters most is how the experience feels for everyone involved.

These aren’t just personality traits – they’re cognitive differences.

I didn’t realize until much later in life that a lot of the tension in my own family wasn’t just emotional. It was cognitive. We were wired differently. We made decisions in different ways. And we never had the language for that, so it always felt personal.

Interpersonal tension is almost never just about the surface situation – it’s about the way people process the situation.

When you start to see that, things shift. You stop expecting everyone to react the way you do. And you start making space for different ways of thinking – without taking it so personally.

That kind of awareness doesn’t fix everything. But it helps. It makes the holidays feel a little less like something you have to get through – and a little more like something you can be present in.

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This is from my Dec 16, 2025 newsletter. Sign up here to receive future issues.