The thinking we understand least

Last week I wrote about the differences that are difficult to see in other people - the way two people can look at the same problem and process it through entirely different modes of thinking. But there's an intensely personal variation of that same blindness. The thinking we often understand the least is our own.

Without a precise way to describe the way that we think, we tend to borrow other people's descriptions - especially when we're young. The issue is that these perceptions of who we are almost always come from someone operating in different modes. So what they're actually describing are their own cognitive misunderstandings - and the effect can be incredibly minimizing.

Analytical thinkers are told that they're too critical, or that they come across as too direct. Logistical thinkers are described as rigid, controlling, even unimaginative. Conceptual thinkers hear over and over that they are scattered, disorganized, and careless. Relational thinkers are criticized for being anxious, overly emotional, or too involved.

And since most people have multiple modes, they hear variations and combinations of several of them. Which means that the descriptions can even be contradictory.

Once repeated often enough, it stops being something people say about us and becomes our internal narrative. I know all about this, because that's exactly what happened to me. But what almost no one points out is that the very trait being criticized is usually the same one that makes us exceptional.

When you can finally see your own cognitive mode clearly - name it, understand how it works, recognize its brilliance and its limits - something settles. You stop trying to become a more acceptable version of yourself and start working with the way you actually think. You're no longer borrowing the least generous account of yourself from people who were not in a position to see you clearly in the first place.

That's the shift I care about most. Seeing other people more clearly is valuable. But seeing yourself clearly - having the language to describe your own mind to yourself - is the thing that profoundly changes how you perceive yourself and operate in the world.

Giving people more opportunities to learn and integrate that language is what Michaela and I have been working on this past year, and it has taken two forms. One is a free cognitive indicator, called Modes, that anyone can use - I can't wait to share it with you.

The other is an in-person immersive experience - a few days with a small group in Mexico later this year. I'll share more on that soon, and if you'd like to be among the first to hear, just reply to this email.

Gregor